Thursday, November 18, 2010

Different Types of Drunk

Despite being an English major from a University with a notorious bar culture, I am not much of a drinker...despite my very best efforts to achieve the noble status of "Drunk Writer."  As an undergrad, I wanted nothing more than to grow a beard, reek of booze and sulk in the corner of a pub with my laptop and regrets.

HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE!?!  [Pretty awesome]

Anyway, on my quest to becoming a booze hound I found that different drinks influence my behavior so differently that I've diagnosed myself as a schizophrenic drunk.  Basically, each type of drink creates a different kind of drunk.

Like I said, I don't drink much since I, unfortunately, do not enjoy being hungover, spending lots of money, or going to places full of intoxicated (and thus erratic) strangers.  I also seem to possess the digestive system of a twelve-year-old child that has spent his entire life on a purely vegan diet.

...When I do drink, it goes a little something like this if I have sweet or caffeinated mixed drinks such as Coke & Rum.
I call this type of drunk "The Tornado" because I become a being of PURE DRUNKEN ENERGY capable of fueling every major metropolitan city on the planet with my spastic behavior and supernova ADHD.

I drank Jagerbombs once, and I will never do it again.  The results were terrifying.  I am surprised the building I was in did not collapse.  I think I played DDR for something like 8 hours with my Japanese, Korean and Chinese dorm-mates until I passed out on the futon and puked all up in my crazy garbage can.  (And I really liked that garbage can too!)

Sugar and alcohol aren't always a bad thing though.  I went as JD from Scrubs for Halloween, and was promptly introduced for the Appletini.  Ooh sweet baby jesus in a jungle gym, that magical concoction is like drinking jolly rangers!  It was so delicious that I didn't care that it made me look like a total wuss.

It turns out that drinks such as the Appletini turn me into The Musical Ladies Man.  I will sing anything and everything.  ...and since I only ever have these at bars, that means Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" will be played at least 20 times.  I will sing along every single time (for the ladies).

Despite popular belief, drinking doesn't make anyone a classy ladies man.  Ever.  This is particularly true when I drink Scotch (my favorite).  Straight liquor of any variety will turn me into a hyper-aware mess that I like to call The Paranoid Agent.

Blue and red lights, people moving toward the exit, gestures that look anything like reaching for a weapon and I am like a Vietnam-vet having a horribly vivid flashback.  It is time to kick ass, save lives and LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND!  If I am drunk on liquor, I will sneak around corners like I am James Bond.  If I have been drinking scotch I will cover my tracks like reality has become "Call of Duty"....and I don't even play that game!

"Why not just drink beer?  It's manly and definitely not the kind of drink to make you an idiot."

Ahh, if only it were that simple.  But, beer is liquid bread...and that just makes me full, sleepy and strangely philosophical. 

I love Guinness, but I will politely tolerate American beer when socializing...but all beer of all types creates the same type of drunk with me.  I get full, I get deep, and then I fall asleep.  Such is the fabulous life of a narcoleptic philosopher.

And the best part of all of this is that it only takes a few drinks to make me goofy as shit.


Keeny said...

This is your best one yet! I love it! P.S. Get ready to become stumble-famous!

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I got my English degree and mountain of student loan debt from the University of Iowa. I like boo berry cereal, martial arts, running and cats.
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