Sorry for the lack of updates the last few days.  I have a valid excuse though, I got a big boy job!


So, you want to know how to run a marathon, huh?  You've been running at least 5 miles a day EVERYDAY for the past few months and you think you are ready to take on something that most people can't even imagine doing!?!

Good for you, have a cookie!

Seriously.

You need carbs.  Eat a cookie right now!

Everyone else, if you are curious about how to prepare for a marathon I suggest checking with sites made by professional runners or physical therapists, because trying to run this far without conditioning your body and mind for it can be quite damaging.  (Also, because I'm an idiot and I built up to this point over years of adding more distance and reading random articles on running.)

The night before running a marathon it is absotively posolutely imperative to your survival that you eat lots of carbs and drink lots of water.  Carbs are energy, which you will need a lot of once you start going the next day.  Organic cheese pizza is the perfect food for vegetarian marathon runners to eat the night before a long run.  Cheese is loaded with protein, and sauce (white or red) is delicious and has some vitamins, and the crust is delicious carbs.  If you want to go hardcore-awesome, top that bad boy off with some noodles and you will be in carbohydrate heaven!


I'm not being immature (well maybe I am a little bit), but you are going to piss like a mo-fo.  Just sit your candy ass down on the toilet while eating and chugging water because you will be going peeing so much that your piss would count a purified water.

Feels goooooood, man.

Next, you freaking DIE!!!

Close enough anyway, a food coma will hit right around the time your pee-hole starts to go numb from all the pissing.  This won't be the best sleep ever, but a food coma is a pretty deep sleep...which makes it fantastic for being well rested for the running!

YAAAAAY SLEEP!!!


Once you emerge from your food coma, you will have to poop really badly.  But that's too bad for you because you need to eat some motha-freakin' oatmeal, cousin!

Oatmeal is great for a last meal, it is small and gives long lasting energy without making you feel bloated and slow.

Also, drink more water.

Now that all those carbs are digested and you are well hydrated, it is time to get pissed off!

[sqwee!  This is the fun part!]


Think of the worst possible things your mind can come up with.  Things that really infuriate you.  (Here's a few to get you started since sinister thoughts aren't something normal people think about too often.  ...though, you are reading my blog and that makes you suspicious already.  O___O)

• A loved one being killed and the murderer getting away with it!
• Everyone you know and loved is being raped, tortured and slowly/mercilessly killed right now and there is nothing you can do about it!  (Except run really far and really fast!)
• Heat seeking missiles are flying directly at you and everyone you care about!  You have to outrun them to save everybody!
• Puppies are being set on fire and kittens are being microwaved!  
• There's no toilet paper left in the whole restroom and nobody bothered to re-fill it and now you are stuck with a nasty ass and your cellphone is dead! 

Anger helps psyche you up and get you focused.  Maybe you can prevent all those things from happening if you run fast enough?  (Maybe a magical cupcake will appear on my desk while I go get my headphones from downstairs...who knows?)


Angry music might not necessarily be your favorite music, but it keeps the adrenaline pumping.  I don't necessarily like angry music, but certain sounds, rhythms and lyrics really freak me out and tap my adrenaline.

I highly recommend the following bands (and these songs in particular) for running any distance:

• Incubus - A Certain Shade of Green
• Finch - Insomniac Meat
• Rage Against The Machine - Killing in the name of (Bonus points of awesomeness if you scream along with the entire song in public with complete sincerity and gusto.)
• The Offspring - You're Gonna Go Far, Kid
• My Chemical Romance - Destroya (Bonus points of awesomeness if you scream "You don't believe in God!  I don't believe in luck!  They don't believe in us!  But I believe in the enemy!" while sprinting as fast as you can.)
• From Autumn to Ashes - The After Dinner Payback
• Linkin Park - Given Up
• Marilyn Manson - The Fight Song
• Mindless Self Indulgence - Bring The Pain (Method Man Cover)
• Flyleaf - Perfect
• Maximum the Hormone - What's Up, People?
• Rammstein - Mein Teil
• Seether - F*ck It
• Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

I also recommend thinking about zombies.  A lot.

I've been a vegetarian for a few years now, and normally this doesn't interfere with my life...except for when I am desperately trying to build muscle at the gym.  ...okay, so I lied.  Not eating meat has a big impact on my personal life, but the impact is usually limited to feeble attempts at body building.

Aside from making me look like a living skeleton, not eating meat makes social gatherings that involve food a little awkward.  ...and almost all social gatherings involve food.

I freaking dare you to think of a social gathering that doesn't involve food.  ....Go ahead, take your time.

That's right, you can't!  Food is always involved when people get together.  Having someone eat something that you brought/preapared is a great way to show that you care about them.

But what do you do when that person refuses your offering of delicious food?  You stare awkwardly and wonder what the hell is wrong with them.  There's nothing wrong with me, I just don't want to eat meat.


Most of my family and friends are quite supportive of my eating habits since they really seemed to help with my weight loss and active lifestyle.  However, my "little" brother knows that if I ate meat I would be ripped out of my freaking mind...thus making me less of an embarrassment to his god-like biceps.

Unfortunately, not everyone in my family understands the benefits of a vegetarian diet.  My grandma is nearly 100 years old and finds it to be confusing at best, and deathly at the worst.  Yes, my grandma is nearly a century old...but that doesn't stop her from making sure all her grandkids are happy, healthy, and have a mountain of hearty food available.  I would rather gnaw off my left arm than disappoint her (I'm notoriously left-handed), so this makes meal time with Grandma a little difficult. 

Do I cave in to her request and break my vegetarianism to make her happy or do I run away screaming?  Neither!  I just eat obscene amounts of everything else!

Usually I can get away with eating a veggie burger or tofu-dog and this makes her extremely happy since if it looks like meat then it must be just as good for me.  Unfortunately, tofurkey is expensive and nasty, so faking it just isn't an option for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.

If you haven't tried tofurkey, it is like taking sawdust, tofu and breading, compressing it into a blob and then smothering it in spices.  Disgusting.

The only thing I hate worse than upsetting Grandma is upsetting my niece.  She is by far the sweetest and most adorable kid on the planet...and SHE KNOWS IT.  Brittni can get me to do anything, and I am not exaggerating.  I ran 16 miles during a heat wave only to bump into her at the finish and then take her to get shaved ice immediately after instead of passing out on the floor with a gallon of water as usual.


It's not that she condemns my diet and thinks it is stupid like my brother does.  She just thinks it's weird for me to refuse to eat anything that is delicious. 

Fortunately, there is one sure way to make any awkward situation enjoyable...booze!  As I have said before, I don't drink much or often; so when I do have something flammable in my glass the reaction is fantastic.  ...and family gatherings are always a good reason to drink.


My brother-in-law, Kevin, is easily the coolest relative I have since he knows how to solve problems, particularly the ones involving me awkwardly bumbling around the house trying to avoid questions about what is (or isn't) on my plate. 

If I were half as cool as Kevin, everyone would think it's awesome to be a vegetarian...when it really kind of sucks.