There used to be this awesome blog called, whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com  ...but I guess it's no longer active.  What made it awesome was that it said one thing that never fails to come to my mind every single time I take even one step outside my door:  WHY THE F**K DO YOU HAVE A KID?

I had to get a special license and take a class in order to operate a motorcycle.  We require special licenses for doctors, lawyers, realitors, interpreters, teachers, boaters, hunters, gun owners, bar tenders and I think some states even have them for nannies/baby-sitters.  ...Yet we don't have one for parenting.

Sure we have laws about negligence and abuse that are fantastic, but what if the parents are total idiots or douchebags that aren't breaking any laws, they just happen to totally suck at parenting.

I can't go to Wal-Mart, McDonald's or any other public place where kids are prevalent without seeing a handful of these fools hanging around.  You know the type, die-hard "Juno" fans that want nothing more in life than to have a baby even though it is painfully obvious they can barely care for themselves. 

The baby will be like a cute living doll or fashion accessory to Ms. Juno-Fan for a while, until she realizes that raising a kid is really hard work...then she will resent it.  Once the kid starts to talk and have an opinion of his/her own the Mom will likely give up and turn the brat over to the streets.

Don't worry though, she will keep leftover mac-n-cheese on the counter to keep the kid fed...but anything involving getting off the couch is just out of the question for this welfare queen.

And this is where kids like Thug-Jr. come into play.  You may remember hearing about this one a couple years ago, the 7-year-old that stole his grandma's SUV and went on a destructive joyride.


Kids like this don't just happen over night.  They are made over years of indifference and total lack of positive role models.  Plop your kid down in front of the TV and let our trashy entertainment raise him/her...and this is the end result.

Don't worry, he only wants to do hood-rat shit...just like his idols on TV or video games.  I'm not saying those are to blame, I am just saying that those may have been the only role models he had in life...if gangstas can steal cars and get famous, then why not him?  (Ooh look, it totally happened!  He was recently on Tosh.0 for this.)

Cases like this really make me wonder why we don't require parenting classes in school, or at least for when parents find out a baby is on the way.  Would it be so terrible to make sure parents are qualified enough to at least not severely screw their kid up for life?


Random Redneck actually brings up a pretty good counter-argument.  We can't infringe on the rights of others just because we don't agree with them.  But, if the parents don't give a shit then why not just step in and be the role model the kid needs?

This would mean relatives and neighbors would have to actually grow a pair and do something good for the world...but that doesn't seem too likely.  (I don't have much faith in humanity, sorry.)

So what about turning those lame after-school and summer programs into things that the little brats actually would enjoy...like something involving video games and pretty much anything other than that lame-ass macaroni picture garbage.


If kids, like Thug-JR, like to do hood rat shit, then why not take them fishing?  Gutting a fish is about as gangsta as it gets and would totally feed their thirst for violence and it would mean spending hours at a time with someone that is at least motivated enough to go out and do something other than get drunk and watch TV all day.

Before I begin this post, I want to be very clear about this so that there is no confusion whatsoever.

Despite popular belief, I have never smoked marijuana or done any drugs of any kind.  EVER.

However, just because I have no desire to try it doesn't mean I think it should be illegal.  I love stoner culture.  Their snack food is amazing!  Cheetos, Mozzarella Sticks, Captain Crunch, Pudding Cups, Cupcakes, and pretty much anything delicious is "stoner food."  Stoner music is unique and fun to listen to and I think stoner comedies are hilarious because I sort of have a childish sense of humor.  (Fart jokes.)

But, "Radioactive Cheese" is a classy blog for the educated masses...so let's take an economical approach when determining whether or not pot should be legal.


As a recent college graduate, I know first hand just how stiff the competition is for landing a good job.  However, if pot was legalized there would be fewer college graduates and fewer people out competing for jobs and trying to better themselves.  If getting high, and then sitting on the couch, eating snacks and listening to funky tunes all day is what makes someone happy, it is not my place to condemn them.  If someone wants to live this way, nobody should have the right to stop them.  (We are supposed to be a free country, right?)

Plus it's just a really good way of weeding out the competition.  (Bad pun for the day!)

But don't worry, kids!  There are more upsides to legalizing pot!


Stoners are predictable, and if we get enough of them, that will make the stock market predictable too!  Whatever is featured in stoner comedies becomes instantly synonymous with real-life stoner culture.

Has going to "White Castle" felt different since "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" was released?  Can you place funions on your grocery list and not make a ridiculous stoner-laugh?  Does standing in front of a gas station make you want to steal a monkey and make pop culture references?

Instead of bailing out American motor companies, we should have made "Harold and Kumar buy a Chevy" and watched as every stoner in the world sold their hemp-shoes to go buy Chevy's.


The amount of money we spend arresting, prosecuting and imprisoning people due to marijuana is ridiculous.  We could be spending that money and time on so many better things.

Stoners are harmless, stupid, but harmless...particularly compared to alcohol (which is totally legal).  We all have heard of Violent Drunks, but I have yet to even hear about a violent stoner.  They nap and fart and giggle...that's it. 

Just because they don't do much of anything doesn't mean they can't be of some good to society though.  Laid back and happy people are great additions to any community, being around them makes other people feel good.

Example!
Stoner - "Heeeeeey man would you like to listen to Bob Marley and help me make Captain Crunch Bars?"
Me - "Heck yes I would!  I got some frosting to smother on them too if you want."
Stoner - "Righteous!"
Me - "Tee-hee you just said "righteous."


Sure we might have more traffic violations due to stoned people being behind the wheel, and there are negative sides to having marijuana legal.  However, the people that would use it to the point where it inhibits their ability to function in society are likely already abusing some other substance.  Personally I would rather hang with a stoner than an alcoholic just because when they "get their fix" the alcoholic gives me a black eye and the stoner gives me a cookie and a guitar solo.

This is an experimental musical blog-comic.  Yes, I am taking my three favorite forms of Web 2.0 entertainment and combining them into one mind blowing experience.  (Hopefully)

Turn your sound up, and click the link here and let the music video play while you read.  The song is "Halo" by Porcupine Tree, one of my favorite bands of all time.  The idea for this musical blog-comic came to me while running, thinking about where I want to go in life, and listening to this song.

I hope you enjoy it.


Some people have mood swings, and I kind of envy them because I get lifestyle-swings.

One day I will be an ultra charitable vegan, motivated by an insatiable desire to make the world a better place and to make myself a better person.  The only money I will spend is on other people and every action I take is thoroughly analyzed for ethical integrity. 

The next day I will want to be mindlessly self-indulgent with an endless appetite for instant gratification.  I will only spend money on stuff I don't really need just because I think having it will make me happy...and I won't do any background checks to see if it's fair-trade, environmentally friendly or anything of that nature!  (Gasp!)

During the transitional period between these phases I will find myself heinously conflicted about my goals in life, and to some degree who I am as a person.



I know that deep down inside of me that fat and angry teenager still exists, and boy does he want to kick my ass for being such an insufferable perfectionist.

This is about the time that I will drive 40 miles to the nearest shopping mall and buy crap I don't really need.  Novelty hats, fart machines, gourmet snack food...pretty much whatever looks awesome, feels good or tastes amazing gets brought home and marveled over it for a few hours.

Things seem pretty awesome at this point.  With my belly full of over priced treats and fresh kicks on my feet, I will strut around with more self-content than Oscar Wilde's "Dorian Gray" and Kanye West combined.

It is good to be bad...sometimes.


This phase will last a week at most, and only be borderline obscene for about an afternoon.

Then the guilt sets in and I become aware of how insufferably shallow I've been lately.

I'll start to think about how the cash I spent should have been used to buy food for the animal shelter, or how my energy should be spent on charity and not on working out or running just so I can look good.

I'll get paranoid about karma (and I don't really subscribe to that belief, though I sometimes suspect there is truth to it).  I'll scrub the floors to make even for strutting my shit all over the house.  I'll pick up trash along the roads while running to put those nice new kicks to good use.  ...Then I will stare at the Peace Corp. website and contemplate doing it until I realize that means no internet and lots spiders and/or snakes.

I don't care how good I want to be (or can be), poisonous snakes and gigantic spiders are where I draw the line.


 When I'm in full-blown saint mode, I very nearly shit rainbows and radiate sunshine...but after a while this behavior starts to annoy even myself.

Then I start to shift back to being a bit more self-centered.


As I start to transition back to being increasingly focused on myself, I start kicking myself in the face and brooding over how utterly pathetic it is that I can't just stick to one lifestyle.

Does it always have to be one extreme or the other?  Can't I buy myself something stupid (yet cool) and do something nice for others for no reason?

Can't I run for charity and write an obscenely detailed blog that focuses mostly on myself?

...Shit.  [Cycle of shame]

I often grow a full beard when it gets cold out, mostly to keep warm, but also because it is an awesome way to look much older/mature...and during No-Shave-November, it is a great way to spread Prostate Cancer awareness and assert your masculinity.  (Or something like that.)

Anyway, my room-mate last year, Andrew, was a Japanese major and facial hair enthusiast, and he turned my secret guilty pleasure of watching anime into a full blown addiction when he introduced me to "Keroro Gunso."  This is a Japanese anime about some frogs from space that want to take over the planet, but they really aren't that good at it.  This show is sort of like taking Loony Tunes and Invader Zim and throwing them into a demented blender.

Getting me started on "Keroro Gunso" was a sure-fire way to get me to embrace and celebrate my inner anime-nerd...but only behind closed doors!  Very similar to how alcoholics start out by drinking beers with their friends, I went from casually/socially watching anime to completely obsessing over it.


You heard me right, FROGS FROM SPACE, and yes, my beard does grow in red (aren't you the observant one, Holmes).

...I think it is some kind of genetic mutation that occurs when Irish and Cherokee mix together with bits and pieces of other western European DNA.  Hooray for genetics!

Watching anime isn't anything to be ashamed of really, but it does come with some negative connotations...mostly due to there being so many fantatics with fake cat ears on their heads.  [Why do they do this?  It just makes regular anime fans seem equally insane simply for holding a common interest.]

Back to my main point, dudes watching anime.

Andrew and I had a pretty set schedule.  After school I would go running and he would play playstation, and then we would watch anime until it was time for bed.  This would have been an ideal set up were it not for our suit-mate, Dan, mocking our child-like enthusiasm for cartoons in general.


Dan wasn't around too much, which gave Andrew and I license to nerd it up as much as we wanted.  We were like fat pigs at an all you can eat buffet thanks to the University of Iowa providing an insanely fast internet connection which allowed anime to stream perfectly no matter how shady the site was.

Of course we watched more than one series, and depending on what we were watching we might get a guest or two to join in on our secretly geeky yet totally awesome anime marathons.

Our habit was growing.  It was only a matter of time before word got out that we were watching obscene amounts of anime...and not even the manly stuff like "Gundam" or "Trigun."  We were totally digging the bubbly ultra-cute semi-cat-themed teen drama, "Azumanga Daioh," and could actively quote the show and find moments in life that reminded us of scenes from it.

Quite un-manly and nerdy indeed!  But, we really never gave a crap what other people thought about the things we like.  (We just didn't want to be pestered during what little time we did have to watch it.)


Our neighbor from New Jersey, Julia, would often join us in watching these shows.  It's fine for girls such as Julia to enjoy "Azumanga Daioh" because she is actually in the target audience.  But why the hell would two 22-year-old guys from Iowa love shows that feature kids dressed as penguins?  (Because they really are "super cute" and they usually have perverted jokes in them...Japan is messed up like that.)


Is it possible for straight young men in the midwest to enjoy "super cute" anime?  Dan would say no and most people would agree.  We should be watching UFC in the bars, challenging rivals to the fisticuffs while at football games and maybe even building log cabins by hand for the homeless (because that's what all guys should be doing all the time, every day, forever.)

I love martial arts, Andrew loves football and yet both of us turn into bubbly giggling children whenever some high pitched anime kid flashes a peace sign.  (One of the many recurring themes that makes no sense at all, but for some reason I just eat it all up.)

If women can wear men's clothes and play football, then I think it should be perfectly acceptable for guys to watch all the bubbly anime they want because some of it is actually really funny and well written.  This is akin to having Brett Favre watching "Hannah Montana" religiously. (That is, if "Hannah Montana" was well written and actually funny.)

Being unashamed of liking something, even if it is totally ridiculous, is as manly as it gets.  (Of course, growing a beard helps because beards make all situations better.)